Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
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Just left a review for the telescope I bought ā barely works. two stars
How I begin all my work emails: I hope youāre doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Me: hi! Iām here for my appointment.
Doctorās office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then Iāmma put you in a lil room for two hours. While youāre in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Why hasnāt anyone stopped him?
Always.
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To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Mumās will be like, āI am not here to tell you what to doā and tell you anyway.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
My kid just announced that when heās a grown up heās going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
š Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I canāt answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said ācongratulations.ā
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Thereās no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Looking at the huge commercial success of the āBarbieā movie means Iām already bracing myself for the inevitable āMr. Cleanā movie starring Dwayne āThe Rockā Johnson.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why canāt you ever just say āfine thanksā?