[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
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Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there