{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
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me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
I think we should hear other voices.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.