I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
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is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Lmao the reply
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no