[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
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Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Meow
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”