The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
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My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian