“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
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Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
#FunnyLife Insects
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
#JohnTravolta
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles