*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
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[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET