Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
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The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
A roof is a house hat.
ok like just. call me at this point
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Scream sneezers need love too.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.