Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
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[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Sniffing the broccoli
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone