Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
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The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.