My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
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MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
listen closely
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.