*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
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Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean