Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
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A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
I have a type: disappointing
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.