You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
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To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
saw this in a dream
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most