tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
You Might Also Like
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
I have many caverns
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.