doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
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If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Krampus.
They grow up so quick
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Mouse
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”