Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
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me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Born to be mild.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.