Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
You Might Also Like
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car: