If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
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I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
lol
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Me in tagged photos
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.