Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
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Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.