OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
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She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.