I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
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Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
it be like that
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
happy friday
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.