So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
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20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?