my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
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I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Why I divorced her.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.