Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
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I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
it’s finally my moment to shine
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples