My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
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If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
💻🤡
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope