Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
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Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Yup
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know