My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
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“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents