i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
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She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
I beg your pardon?
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
こいつ天才
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?