Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
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Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.