Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
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I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
*3.5 thank you very much.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography