Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
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“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie