I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
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I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.