If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
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Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
the short answer to this question
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Bread puns are on the rise!
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.