Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
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Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird