[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
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[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO