Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
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*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what