Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
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Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire