Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
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Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Ok, but like, how married are you?
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece