*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
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My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Social distancing in Australia:
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…