FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
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What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but