11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
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I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.