[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
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[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.