Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
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*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-