Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
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Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we鈥檙e married now
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
I have no passwords left in me
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 馃槂
“it’s $9”
馃槱
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
馃槂
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn鈥檛 make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
This will never not be funny 馃槶
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
[first person to dance] what鈥檚 happening to my extremities
Got McDonald鈥檚 today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah