Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
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My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/