Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
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I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.