*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
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ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
“Huge”.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.