Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
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*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Name this drama.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.